The Internal Crisis

 

During the last week I've been thinking if I should write about my personal crisis. It was a hard decision as it is hard to accept it to myself and write about it. It was the hardship of all hardships. I always had a feeling that inside me were some demons way beyond my powers. I was around 30 years all and all those demons started to show off. I am not sure if it was just a personal crisis, depression, the 30 years old crisis or the dark night of the soul. 

Nowadays, I just remember how I used to feel most days. I felt like I was all alone in the cold dark night. In moments of total darkness and silence I had bursts of rage just to feel alive. In those moments, I could feel how my blood would rush to my head, I would see only red in front of my eyes and my body temperature would go up. I was boiling figuratively and properly. I had no control over my thoughts and mouth. The people standing in front of me in those moments would hear the unthinkable. I've hurt so many people in those moments...

Besides those moments of rage and fury, I remember the sadness and drowning my unhappiness in alcohol and work. I remember working a lot and getting drunk every time I had a chance. I was contemplating to questions like: Why am I still alive? How would it feel if the metro would hit me? How about train or car? Would anyone feel my absence? 

The strongest feeling was that I was working against myself. Every thought, every word, every action was against myself.

We have all lived our own form of hell and we have all created our form of paradise.