January was a difficult month on my side. I had every motive to be satisfied with my life. I should have been happy actually. Every day I was waking up with this feeling that nothing can motivate me, life is darkness and nothing works. There was this feeling that I could beat someone but in the same time I didn't have the energy. Most of my time I spend it sleeping and observing my thoughts. In the process, I realized that I need to write down what makes me feel so unhappy and write like an Accounting T, one column with positive traits and one column with negative traits. For each negative trait I tried to come up with a solution.
The first to be put under the microscope was my job. I work with a great team and I have a wonderful team leader. In terms of collaboration, I have a great collaboration with my colleagues. I am also well paid and we have nice benefit package. On the downside of the job, most tasks are iterative, we don't get that many trainings in Accounting and the schedule is not flexible at all. Indeed, there were not that many trainings at works, but in the last two years I got my Coach license and the yoga trainer certificate. I can invest my money and time in my passions. While I am performing iterative tasks I can listen different podcasts regarding personal development. By the time I finalized my analysis, I had no motive to complaint.
Why was I feeling so dissatisfied? What was the root of this huge feeling that I can do more, better? And then I remembered all those times when I got home from school after a test and the questions were: Oh, you got an 8. So little. What are the grades of other colleagues? Why X was able to get a 10 while you got an 8? And, whenever I got a 10, the phrase was: Good for you. You learn for yourself, but in the air was a nasty feeling of not being enough, not having enough.
We forgot to enjoy being and we concentrate on having.
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