My Voice

 

I have been working on myself through different methods. In the last year I have been trying through sports, food, meditation and journaling. While I was working out, I had experienced a lot of pain and a wide range of emotions from rage to sadness. There is one pain that appeared in the same area over and over again. It was either a stiff neck or just a sore throat. One week I was ok, while the next three I was some sort of sick. In addition, I was feeling an exacerbated anger when hearing my voice. I just couldn't stand it. The questions popped: What is wrong with my voice? Why am I so uncomfortable with my voice?

When I start asking myself questions, then I get opportunities to receive my answers. Each month I attended a workshop or some sort of activity that resulted in me with a sore throat, a stiff neck or just a lot of anger on my voice. What the NLP taught me is that staying in the question will bring you answers. Those moments with intense pain and anger are still so vivid in my memory. One moment you workout or you enjoy a show and the next moment I felt rage, anger and pain. Those were moments I had to embrace with no explanation. Just accept and search. Most of the times I was under impression I don't have a voice. I can only express myself when in anger, but I felt true to myself in the struggle. I tried to make the best of those negative emotions, but the transformation was expensive in terms of energy.

In my search for the answers I remembered all those times I was told I don't have a voice for singing. It turned out the answer was so simple and the solution came from one of my friend, Dana. We met and I shared my problem. The next moment she was: Ana, please close your eyes. Let's name your voice. How would you like to name it?

A: Simple. My voice is Anusca and I will be mature Ana. 

Q: Why Anusca is so upset with Ana? Why do you lose your voice in the morning? 

A: It is for all those time I didn't step in for myself. For all the moments when I should have raised my voice and left any relationship. It is the anger for all those moments when my personal borders were trespassed.  

Q: Is there a way for Anusca to express her pains and sorrows and Ana would listen?

A: Yes. It would be better if Anusca would express herself in the morning, Ana is willing to listen, embrace what Anusca says and take action if needed.

This is only a part of the 10 minute discussion we had. The rest I don't remember well. I started crying from the beginning. I felt so relieved in the end. One week after this meeting, I woke up in the morning in full rage. I started writing my dialogue with Anusca, from questions to answers, from conclusions to action points. It was a productive morning for mind and soul.

P.S. This is actually a method in NLP. It is called the dialogue between parts. When I learnt about this method I was really skeptical it works. My friend used this method more than once on me as I was a walking contradiction.